CONFESSIONS OF A FAUX COFFEE LOVER

Anyone who knows me will tell you: I love coffee. I must love it—I drink it all day. I must love it—because in my office alone, I have five different ways to make it: Espresso machine. Drip machine. Instant coffee. And a French press. Just in case one—or all—decide to fail me.

If you’re traveling to a coffee-producing country, you already know what souvenir to bring back. I drink coffee before I brush my teeth in the morning. I would never waste money whitening my teeth—what’s the point? They’d be stained again by noon.

The one time I tried to quit, I threw up and shook in bed like a heroin addict in withdrawal— until I cracked open a Diet Coke. I am an unrepentant addict. Don’t waste your time on interventions. There is no recovery group that can fix me.

So imagine my shock when I realized: Though I love coffee… I don’t actually like it. Strange? Not really. We all have relatives we love deeply but would gladly avoid if they weren’t family. Don’t tell me you’re not thinking of someone right now. But you love them, right? So it is with me and coffee.

Looking back, the signs were there. I don’t like coffee-flavored anything. Not Kahlúa. Not coffee cake. Not coffee ice cream. And certainly not Espresso Martinis—an abomination, in my book.

So how do I explain the Nespresso machine, the Coffee Mate brewer, the iced coffee on reserve in the fridge? Simple. I love my liquid “coffee candy.” I love coffee when it’s drowned in milk, French vanilla flavoring, and enough Splenda to give lab rats a terminal diagnosis. I love it light, sweet, and stripped of anything resembling actual coffee flavor.

I have a friend—who shall remain unnamed, but let’s call her “Shervonne”— who takes her coffee with sweetened condensed milk, Tres Leches whipped cream, and sprinkles. And I want to say I haven’t gone that far… but I’m damn close, aren’t I?

So back to that intervention you’re planning. No need. I’m not really a coffee addict. No rehab required.

But I’m still not giving up my Nespresso machine.